How to Cope with Grief and Loss

At LifeChange, we approach all forms of grief and loss from a resilience and strength-building model, which acknowledges the potential of people to integrate loss into their lives. We help identify the many ways in which people experience grief and loss in their lives – whether as a life stage loss over the course of our lives, complicated grief through a sudden change in relationship such as a separation or divorce, the death of a loved one or family member, and many other forms of loss and bereavement. Our therapists will discuss interventions most effective at each stage of life, in differing life circumstances and for each individual’s personal experience.

Bereavement

Bereavement is a universal experience we all share, an inevitable human phenomenon. The death of a loved one or family member is something most people confront at some point in their lives, along with the enduring pain and grief of interpersonal loss. Bereavement clinicians suggest that to truly fathom the impact of loss on the human psyche, ultimately we must examine the meaning of the attachment to the person (Bowlby, 1980; Worden, 2003). It is impossible to lose someone you have loved deeply without experiencing tremendous emotional pain. Losing your partner, spouse, friend, parent, family member or child is a devasting experience. The newly bereaved can be unprepared to deal with the sheer force and nature of emotions that follow the loss of a loved one. Society can interrupt this process with platitudes that can reinforce the pain or collude with the bereaved’s defenses. The work of psychotherapy and counselling is to help individuals process the pain of loss and to assist them to go on living effectively in the world.

Complicated Grief – Divorce and Separation

In Ireland at present, many individuals are struggling through separations and divorce. When a partner or spouse dies, the whole community recognizes the bereaved person’s loss and inevitable pain. There are rituals, burials, sympathy cards, and a funeral. We understand that the individual is going to need a significant amount of time to heal and integrate the loss. Complicated grief arises from those situations that we find ourselves in when our partner separates or leaves us. We have loss on many levels with the further complication of running into our partner or having to deal with our partner because of children. At LifeChange we understand that separation and divorce brings with it a complicated grief in individuals.

Life Stage Loss

As we travel through the various decades of our lives we encounter losses that are interrelated with the aging process. We rear children to leave home or to head off into their own lives. Naturally parents can experience a grieving process linked to this stage of launching children out of the nest. Others will experience loss at the birth of child who has disabilities. For some of us we will encounter an illness or chronic disease in ourselves or our loved ones that forces us to adapt. Many of us have to adapt to bodily changes such as the menopause or limits to our bodies as we grow older. Even the reality that we are not a fit as we once were originally.

Here are some helpful ideas and tips on how to cope with grief and loss in all its forms:

• Everyone Grieves Differently

The death of a loved one can be devastating and bereavement affects people in uniquely different ways. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Grieving can be impacted by gender or cultural identity. Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you experience when someone you love dies. The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be.

• Get Support

Talking and sharing your feelings with someone can really help. You don’t have to go through this alone. For some people, relying on family and friends is the best way to cope. For others being part of a faith community or having spiritual beliefs can be sustaining at this painful time. Do not let anyone tell you how you should feel and equally do not tell yourself how you should feel either.

• Overwhelming feelings

You can suppress your grief but you cannot avoid it forever. In order to heal and integrate the loss you need to acknowledge the pain and allow yourself to go through the stages of grief. Feelings need to be faced rather than avoided. It’s perfectly normal for grief to feel chaotic and out of control, or to engulf the individual in waves of sadness. It’s also very normal to feel like you cannot make decisions or that small chores can seem arduous. Unresolved grief can lead to complications such as anxiety, debilitating depression, substance abuse or somatic and physical ailments.

• Expressing your grief in creative ways

Many people like to journal how they feel, others want to garden, paint or make photo albums in order to process the loss. For some people writing a letter to the deceased in order to say all the things that did not get expressed, is a powerful method of articulating the unspoken. For others getting involved in a cause or organization that was meaningful to the deceased can be comforting.

• Anniversaries need attention

Plan ahead for anniversaries, birthdays and milestones as these can be extremely difficult. Be mindful of these occasions as you may need to take a day off work or do something that honors the deceased, such as going to a favourite restaurant or place or visiting the grave.

• Self Care

The stress of a major loss can significantly deplete you of energy and emotional reserves. It is more important than ever to take care of yourself as the mind and body are connected. Looking after your physical and emotional needs will help you survive this difficult time. Combat stress and fatigue by getting enough sleep, eating well and gently exercising.